Every Two to Four Years

 WARNING: HARSH LANGUAGE!

Every two to four years I have either changed personality, gained or lost friends or the worst/best ….moved to another city.

I’ve done this since as far as I can recall…this was done before my coherency.  Mother would move us to get the fuck away from dad. Mother divorced dad when I was barely two years old. Ever since then we have moved to get away from him. My father taught me things, but mostly he taught me to hate him and loathe coming over court ordered or otherwise.  Since then I have had a love hate relationship with the male gender and worst I have a severe codependency and ingrained desire to move every two years or the fucking best part (sarcasm) break a perfectly good relationship or not want or try to work out any problems be they major or minor.

Yeah. The first: codependency… I have lived with mother and chose to when I was of age to actually have say and it mattered in the courts…So, when I finally DID move out it was in a brash, rash unbelievably stupid decision….and I cannot recall having moved in or out from somewhere and being alone…there was always someone…

now that I know why I want to stop this…I’m RUINING a great wonderful relationship because I have a damn desire to move! I FUCKING MOVED TO CALIFORNIA FAR AWAY FROM TEXAS WHAT THE FUCK! Things were not SO HORRIBLE! WHY!

I’m aADD, lactose intolerant to a degree an bipolar…aka manic depressive now known as bipolar (fucking science) so in essence I am chemically imbalanced. I was not born this way but such fucking horror and trauma every damn time I went to dads for years and years will put your brain in that sort of state. Its NOT all about will power. I HAVE TRIED so DO NOT FUCKING TELL ME I can over come this I have TRIED many times with and without support (support works you should try it, it saves from suicide)  and it is fucking difficult beyond any comprehension. I have caved at the slightest sign of trouble at times. WHY? because its constant, every day, every goddess damned DAY! So somehow getting the fuck out of texas and straight to california was supposed to help?

its just…..maddening…honest. I’ve been in a state of mental numbness since I moved in with my love…and I d love him without a doubt…but why…why did I leave after almost two years? even when there were some problems that were simple and easily resolved? because it was happening every day…two different maturities and regrettably I have damaged him for any further relationships. Leaving, coming back, leaving, coming back….I STILL LOVE HIM but its just….how can this work? how can I be a better NORMAL (or as close to it) person anymore! I do not want these mood swings, this near constant up and down up and down hormones and emotions  the sudden desire to want total privacy or be surrounded by people or immersed in  in love from my boyfriend?

FUCK I LEFT a perfectly good job to start in odd jobs….what is WRONG WITH ME?
Again I stress the issue of its not will power. At worst I will shut down and just go to automatic pilot. Basically I will still eat sleep and bodily functions but show no emotion or do nothing but cry…but I will want to do horrible things, things or actions that will hurt others, cause them to never want to trust me again….or hate me outright? I moved in with friends after a breakup and went into total emotional shutdown and all I would do is stay out late and go back to him and piss off said friends, just be reckless in general and do things that would eventually hurt my body (like drink lots of booze or caffeine when at the time I shouldn’t have….

I am coming to terms with the fact that if I do take drugs to solve this -legal pharmaceutical prescriptions-  for the rest of my life (at such a young warped age) then so be it…I hate taking pills from age whatever to 16 or 17 I toke vivactil however the fuck its spelled and it made me a zombie. an ADD zombie but I kept quiet mostly and learned to focus…it helped with the mood swings. It helped me to not fly off the walls at something that would surface a horrible memory. And to this day I swear that if I ever come to full aware coherent functionality I will loose my mind because I just might remember all the horrible repressed memories that would cause this mental deterioration. So lord and lady help those who don’t understand but it is best that I never be fully aware just mostly functional…trust me on this. Its not worth risking my mental sanity or others safety…it just isn’t. the main topic was deivated from I’m still bad at that….well hopefully in two years or more hopefully in four years time will see me alive….and not in jail for murder, or not dead…one can only hope

My Role Play Characters

short and simple post. I had the idea to post it. But alas my computer time is limited lately. Its for the better if I’m going to bury myself in work to save some cash for the future heh.
so here are the characters for gaiaonline.com

Lexia Fira. aka Alexiel Firastrome. My First Gaia RP Character after many character names and style changes this is her best form I believe. I created her to look/dress somewhat revealing but to NEVER act it. Then I decided to go with the fact that she is a fighter and uses her powers of fire. She is daughter to Selana_Wolf The Goddess of Fire who is somewhat immortal.  Lexia is a mix of canine and feline, demon and angel, not a good mix but she pulls it off very nicely. She is prou of her mixed heritage and will hurt anyone else who would put her or her parents down. Next character!

Selana_Wolf aka Selanastashia. She was in the first three characters, Tannkatashia, Selana and Blaze the Kitsune. Blaze is of course my character but played by someone else. (I’ll get into that later) She was originally created to be the Goddess of Fire. Immortal in that she will never die of old age or disease but can be killed. Thus the somewhat immortal. (To me immortal means you will never die of old age or disease AND you cannot truly be killed!)  She can be killed but it proves extremely difficult just to try and not worth it. She took care of and Raised her daughter until Lexia was 16. Then Lexia took off for parts unknown etc. Her husband and lover to this day is Skorch the blacksmith to the gods and goddesses. The only reason he willingly chose immortality was so that he could remain with his love. Selana is fiercely protective of her family, herself and her temples. (And coincedentally she is a demon goddess which Skorch is an angel god. A mis of canine and feline.) I don’t play selana much anymore, she is more of the gold collector now on gaia. Meh. I’ll still roleplay her once in a while.  NEXT!

Blaze The Kitsune

I created this character to suit Gaia. He was originally the twin brother of Selana Wolf in the original story but in this version is the rival. Water against fire etc. He is the last of his kind an seeks a mate who can tolerate (literally) his cold demeanor and self. He is litreally cold as ice at times. There is a whole story made for the Koldarians (Blaze) and Firastromes Selana and Lexia. At one point Blaze had an RP mate but that fell appart. the person behind the character was a pain in the ass. I would know she wasn’t easy to get along with.

The profile for Blaze says he has Four kids two were from Kataxenna and TWO from Lexia I dun care what she says! haha. So Blaze achieved his goal then lost half of it on the way. He has children but lost his love…meh

more to come on my next post!

ALSO Lexia Fira and Blaze have myspace profiles. In that RP My character is in love with

Lord Blaze and they have a daughter Midnight. I’m working on a storyline for a soon to be Son.  However Lexia is in California, while Blaze is in Texas…

My Favorite Animes

I can’t help it I’m on a ail or whenever posting spree so there

and this is what I do when I can’t help myself. it usually ends up both are happy but sometimes I miss and hit the floor oops

Not seen are Cowboy Bebop, Candidate for Goddess or Pilot Candidate, Bleach, Magic Knight Rayearth, any final fantasy games or animations of and ANY video games that have been put to anime or cartoon and that list is HUGE

until next time!

Lexia signing off

Love makes one do silly/stupid things…

 

(FIRST HERE are the links of where I make my dolls and avi art.

i take commissions for banners, signature banners (the stuff below your post in most forums) avi art aka avatar art an general photoshop stuff in my spare time)

my references(places I go to get goo pics and dolls)

www.thedollpalace.com
www.tektek.org (meant for www.gaiaonline.com stuff ONLY)
www.advancedanime.com / www.affairanime.com PG13 and WAY above warning!

I do my best not to post above PG 13 in general . done with that ONWARDS TOWARDS THE BLOGGINGS!

Love….
it can make you do stupid things. or just plain silly. it depends on the extent
for me…it would be often stupid things such as trecking from dallas all the way to galveston to follow someone I loved. My FIRST LOVE. HUGE mistake since he had already made it clear that he loved someone else.
that is when I learned to listen to the little voice in the back of my head which EVERYONE has. Its called your conscience or for lack or better words your gut instinct coming out doing its best to tell you NOT TO DO THAT OR YOU’LL BE SORRY! I listen to mine and have since that first stupid mistake.
Now…on silly…well I THINK its silly that I chose to follow my love (CURRENT NOT PAST. I DON’T throw myself at anyone thats just desperate) or in this case go to my love in california.
I had wanted to get out of Texas -word to the wise DO NOT MOVE THERE its NOT WORTH IT!!!- and this was my opportunity to get out and stay out. so I took it

And now here I am, doing, well WORKING at something I actually LIKE, STILL LEARNING so that I can o a better job at it….finally. There is NO stress to it. You have so much time to get the tasks done, no rush it DOESN’T have to be perfect but at least look DECENT and I get to bring some of the fruits (or veggies hehe) of my labor home!

 

I’m cooking dinner or lunch and liking it knowing that even if no one says its good or says anything about it that my efforts are STILL Appreciated….for the first time I actually do not mind doing dishes (I LOATHE washing dishes, but by hand not so much) since there are just enough dishes not loads and loads of them hehe. And cleaning up is not a big hassle….everything…its just….so unreal so unbelievable that I find that I’m pinching myself to remind myself it IS REAL you’re NOT dreaming!

(Also, all pictures here are as close to our likenesses as its gonna get. I will RARELY show my real picture or his. If I do its gonna be our role play characters for the protection of our identity so there. Can’t blame me for wanting to be safe than sorry.)

as you can see I’m quite devoted and taken with him….but for ONCE I’m going about it the right/correct way. not rushing. taking things slow or at a comfortable pace and just…enjoying everything.

I like california. WHY?
More nature, everything is beautiful here, people are POLITE, COURTEOUS, NICE for once. Traffic is SO MUCH BETTER. People will actually stop so you can cross the stree (when there is no traffic light)

I keep finding more things that make me want to stay and live here and maybe just VISIT texas and not go back to live…visit because I have family there (step siblings that could care less if I dropped dead an I don’t like them either but thats not the point)

and let it be known that only one person who reads this will know EXACTLY what I mean heh heh. you KNOW who you are (everyone else would too heh I’ll try to be more vauge)

music lyrics to how I feel (I will often post music lyrics from time to time heh)

 

Bleach (The Anime!)

2nd Ending Song

Home Made Kazoku

reff:
Itsumo sasaete kureru hitotachi ni
Higorono omoi wo kometa rhapsody e
Appreciation no kimochi wo todoke
Itsumou arigato hontou arigato
Tatoe doko ni tatte kimi no sonzai ni
Kansha shiteru yo

Tasogare no machi ga akaku somaru koro
Nanigenaku michi wo aruiteita
Ikikau hitono mure ga masu gogo
Nantonaku tachidomatte mita
Potsuri to aita kokoro no sukima
Umeru youni ugoita keitai no manner
Kimi wa hitori ja nai hora mina
Tagai ni sasae atteku no sa

One day now
Mirai ga kowakute
Nayandeita boku ni mukatte
Nanimo yuwazu ni sotto
Te wo sashinobete kureru kimi ga ita
Kanashimi ga hanbun ni natta
Yorokobi wa nibai ni fukuranda
Gyaku no tachiba ni nattara
Sugusama soba made ni kaketsukeru to chikatta

reff

Far away, far away tooku hanarete itemo
Nagareru toki no nakade
Tomo ni sugoshita hibi no kioku wa
Kesshite kieru koto wa naino sa
Nakanai ya, kazoku ya koibito
Soshite deatta subete no hitobito
Arigatou minna no okage de
Mata chikara tsuyoku fumidaseru

Hito wa daremo hitoridewa ikite ikeyashinai
Tagai ga tagai wo itsumo care shiai
Rikai dekinai toki wa hanashiai
Hara kakaeru gurai warai ai tai
Nanoni naze kou toki ni kenashiai
Kizu tsukiau no teki ga shinai
Baka baka shii hodo kimi ga sukida
Terekusai kedo chotto honki da

reff

Kitto mina igai to shy de
Men to mukatte naka naka
Kuchi ni dashite inaku te
Dakedo hontou wa iitai kuse ni
Nanika ga jamashite mina tsuyogatte
Tokini wa sarake dashite tsutaeyou
Kotoba niwa fushigi na chikara ga yadoruyo
Kantan na kotosa, jubun kara mazu hajimeyou
Kitto dekiru yo

I will be there
Just forever
Kimi ga itekureta youni
I will be there
Just forever
Kimi ga itekureta youni

reff 2x

(I cannot find the translation so meh. I do like the ending part “I will be there, just forever.”

Another Bleach song
(half english)

[Rie Fu] Bleach first ending song

Bleach first ending song

Nobody knows who I really am
I never felt this empty before
And if I ever need someone to come along,
Who’s gonna comfort me, and keep me strong?

We are all rowing the boat of fate
The waves keep on coming and we can’t escape
But if we ever get lost on our way
The waves would guide you through another day

dooku de iki o shiteru toomei ni natta mitai
kudayami ni omoe dakedo mekaku shisarete tadake

inori o sasagete atarashii hi o matsu
asayaka ni hikaru umi sono hate made

Nobody knows who I really am
Maybe they just don’t give a damn
But if I ever need someone to come along
I know you would follow me, and keep me strong

hito no kokoro wa utsuriyuku mukedashiteku naru
tsuki wa mada atarashii shuuki de mune o tsureteku

And every time I see your face
The ocean heaves up to my heart
You make me wanna strain at the oars, and soon
I can see the shore

Oh, I can see the shore
When will I see the shore?

I want you to know who I really am
I never thought I’d feel this way towards you
And if you ever need someone to come along,
I will follow you, and keep you strong

tabi wa mada tsuzuiteku odayakana hi mo
tsuki wa mata atarashii shuuki de ume o terashidasu

inori o sasagete atarashii hi o matsu
asayaka ni hikaru umi sono hate made

And every time I see your face
The ocean heaves up to my heart
You make me wanna strain at the oars, and soon
I can see the shore

Unmei no huneoko gi nami wa tsugi kara tsuki e to watashi-tachi o sou kedo
Sore mo suteki na tabi ne, dore mo suteki na tabi ne

YOU GOT THAT?
(You KNOW who you are!)

First post setting the whole ideal for this

FIRST OFF, these are my opinions and beliefs! I AM NOT willing to die for a belief that can possibly be wrong! Why? because I will admit willingly that something I believe is true can be wrong or proven wrong so….thus the whole not wanting to die for something that COULD be wrong. also please correct me if I am incorrect. just don’t be an ass about it and it will be greatly appreciated.

ALSO just because I express my beliefs and opinions DOES NOT give ANYONE the right to persecute, abuse, cause harm to or general punishment for what I think. ESPECIALLY SINCE I DON’T SLANDER ANYONE! (THIS includes hateful posts/coments on my blog, flaming, spaming or anything else.) NO ONE HAS THAT RIGHT, EVER, it is WRONG! Does freedom of speech mean nothing anymore!? (and I’m gonna get into ALOT of whats right and wrong and common effing COURTESY! just because its NOT your responsibility DOES NOT MEAN you should ignore COMMON COURTESY!)

AND MORE KEEP IN MIND, what I say is not meant to offend or hurt anyone, but if it does, I AM SORRY! I DID think before I spoke/typed. I DO HAVE A BRAIN AND I DO USE IT!
(ALSO: comments, suggestions, ideas and polite critisim are welcome…hateful bullshit will get you ignored and perhaps removed from my blog…yes I am a mean bitch…BY CHOICE!)

IF you have read all this then please keep reading!

I will not slander someone but I WILL say things about said people or issue I believe is true.

OTHER PLACES you can find me if you WANT

Myspace = www.myspace.com/rikastashia (Currently under construction since someone thought it would be OH SO NICE to hack it. )
That myspace is MY ROLE PLAYING character NOTHING MORE
the blogs however are mostly about what I have done

www.gaiaonline.com under Lexia Fira and Selana_Wolf

thats about it I have no other profiles. OKC (okcupid) was hacked too and I just shut it down I saw no point to continue and…ONE first and LAST shameful bragging…I am associated with (more like in LOVE WITH) the author behind Doug’s Dark World http://unitedcats.wordpress.com/

HOWEVER I do not intend to post daily or in the style that he posts. (that would mean hogging the only computer and I don’t plan on being in front of the computer all day heh)

HOWEVER I will post about whats going on in my life and general stuff or topics that come up

ONE LAST NOTE: if anything I ever say/post in my blog (WITHING THE TOS OF COURSE) offends or enrages you there is the fact you can STOP READING or IGNORE said post. OR. If you MUST reply.
STOP. take a few deep breathes, CALM DOWN and THINK before posting wildly in anger honestly you really do say so much more in words and actions when you are not angry and can THINK CLEARLY

all right enough of this long winded. (I want my point to get across you see!)

I intend to post when I can and in whatever style and because I HAVE A JOB AND A LIFE (no offense hehe) I cannot be in front of the computer trying to think of something to post…meh SORRY DOUG! I know you work hard! hahaha

until next post!
Alexiel Firastrome (aka Lexia Fira) signing off!

P.S. I roleplay because alot of the places I go online I DO NOT want my name known for many reasons. Mostly because I will get hacked again. Like I did with myspace.