I used to think I was worth it.
Used to be worth something to someone and most importantly myself.
I USED TO BE SANE
Time and heartbreak tend to drag a person down to the depths of insanity
people say time heals all wounds. Maybe physical wounds. For me and many others time only causes further infection of the heart and mind, leaving questions unanswered and hate to fester within.
I want to hate and loathe you so much, but nothing comes. Nothing can come from an empty shell. I USED to think I was fun to be around, now I’m no fun, a fucking party pooper. No one wants me, I am the destroyer of relationships.
Things used to be that “No one can make you feel bad (about yourself or in general) Without your permission” hah permission or no it still happens intentional or not. I am no longer as sensitive as I used to be, but god fucking dammit people I have a heart too, I deserve mercy too! Your words be they that you cannot figure yourself or heaven forbid it be my fucking fault you do not mean a fucking thing to me anymore.
I was foolish to even talk to you. Those words you said were only forced, I forced them from you, I needed to hear those three words from someone else to find my proof that I was worth something to someone
but oh wretched mind, curse you my heart! I had a place to stay I had love, someone who really did love me faults, imperfections and all. Of course I could not see what was right in front of my face, just under my nose, of COURSE I HAD TO LEAVE….he did tell me that things were not working and I DID have the time and general were-withall to solve that problem…of COURSE I HAD TO FUCKING LEAVE THE BEST THING EVER!
now, should I return to texas, it will be by choice to go straight to a mental institution.
should I stay in worthless california it will be to my own destruction and demise, my own undoing.
OR
would family have me, I would choose to live in Mississippi -would meemaw even allow it- I would do my best to help out and contribute to the house and pay my bills and find work….I would like to live in diamondhead
or I can do everyone a favor and kill myself. I’m too co-dependant, I only hurt people, push them away and I’ve been nothing but a drain upon everyone and everything I touch…I just want to go home, please just kill me….you have no fucking idea the daily shit I go through, or put myself through. I’m NOT being fucking over-dramatic, I’m tired of waking up to pain, to the fucking chemicals I drown in, I have tried, REALLY tried to just snap out of it, to over come with with “WILLPOWER” to take each day one at a time. I REALLY HAVE. I can’t take this anymore, I cannot face this life, knowing that to come home to an empty house, to come home to no one to say how was your day, or I missed you or just plain hi dear
no one to cook for or sing to or talk to. NO HOME TO GO HOME TO. I can’t go back I just can’t. I left my friends behind I left EVERYTHING behind!!! why would they want me back now, after all the shit I did….I am nothing….worthless….useless
I can’t even help people….oh you can tell me I helped you. it was only for gain, for the pride of knowing I did a job well done or that I “helped” or did something good for the right thing. it was all selfish reasons
i wish I could say your words were worthless doug, but you don’t lie…I wish I could say you were nothing to me jack, but your name, the mere thought of you plucks my heartstrings…I can’t go back to you, not after what I did….
FUCK CO-DEPENDENCY I KNOW WHAT I WANT, I KNOW WHat I have to do to get it, I Just am not patient! I no longer have the will or desire to keep living….no one will have me….I have come to the end
so for the blunt stupid fucks
this is a suicide note DUH. or rather a useless attempt at one. oooh but we all know lauren is a coward and won’t really kill herself…no. my punishment is to keep living and take each god damned day as my hell FUCK YOU GOD, FUCK YOU
yeah…I USED to be worth something to someone, now I AM worthless
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