WARNING: HARSH LANGUAGE!
Every two to four years I have either changed personality, gained or lost friends or the worst/best ….moved to another city.
I’ve done this since as far as I can recall…this was done before my coherency. Mother would move us to get the fuck away from dad. Mother divorced dad when I was barely two years old. Ever since then we have moved to get away from him. My father taught me things, but mostly he taught me to hate him and loathe coming over court ordered or otherwise. Since then I have had a love hate relationship with the male gender and worst I have a severe codependency and ingrained desire to move every two years or the fucking best part (sarcasm) break a perfectly good relationship or not want or try to work out any problems be they major or minor.
Yeah. The first: codependency… I have lived with mother and chose to when I was of age to actually have say and it mattered in the courts…So, when I finally DID move out it was in a brash, rash unbelievably stupid decision….and I cannot recall having moved in or out from somewhere and being alone…there was always someone…
now that I know why I want to stop this…I’m RUINING a great wonderful relationship because I have a damn desire to move! I FUCKING MOVED TO CALIFORNIA FAR AWAY FROM TEXAS WHAT THE FUCK! Things were not SO HORRIBLE! WHY!
I’m aADD, lactose intolerant to a degree an bipolar…aka manic depressive now known as bipolar (fucking science) so in essence I am chemically imbalanced. I was not born this way but such fucking horror and trauma every damn time I went to dads for years and years will put your brain in that sort of state. Its NOT all about will power. I HAVE TRIED so DO NOT FUCKING TELL ME I can over come this I have TRIED many times with and without support (support works you should try it, it saves from suicide) and it is fucking difficult beyond any comprehension. I have caved at the slightest sign of trouble at times. WHY? because its constant, every day, every goddess damned DAY! So somehow getting the fuck out of texas and straight to california was supposed to help?
its just…..maddening…honest. I’ve been in a state of mental numbness since I moved in with my love…and I d love him without a doubt…but why…why did I leave after almost two years? even when there were some problems that were simple and easily resolved? because it was happening every day…two different maturities and regrettably I have damaged him for any further relationships. Leaving, coming back, leaving, coming back….I STILL LOVE HIM but its just….how can this work? how can I be a better NORMAL (or as close to it) person anymore! I do not want these mood swings, this near constant up and down up and down hormones and emotions the sudden desire to want total privacy or be surrounded by people or immersed in in love from my boyfriend?
FUCK I LEFT a perfectly good job to start in odd jobs….what is WRONG WITH ME?
Again I stress the issue of its not will power. At worst I will shut down and just go to automatic pilot. Basically I will still eat sleep and bodily functions but show no emotion or do nothing but cry…but I will want to do horrible things, things or actions that will hurt others, cause them to never want to trust me again….or hate me outright? I moved in with friends after a breakup and went into total emotional shutdown and all I would do is stay out late and go back to him and piss off said friends, just be reckless in general and do things that would eventually hurt my body (like drink lots of booze or caffeine when at the time I shouldn’t have….
I am coming to terms with the fact that if I do take drugs to solve this -legal pharmaceutical prescriptions- for the rest of my life (at such a young warped age) then so be it…I hate taking pills from age whatever to 16 or 17 I toke vivactil however the fuck its spelled and it made me a zombie. an ADD zombie but I kept quiet mostly and learned to focus…it helped with the mood swings. It helped me to not fly off the walls at something that would surface a horrible memory. And to this day I swear that if I ever come to full aware coherent functionality I will loose my mind because I just might remember all the horrible repressed memories that would cause this mental deterioration. So lord and lady help those who don’t understand but it is best that I never be fully aware just mostly functional…trust me on this. Its not worth risking my mental sanity or others safety…it just isn’t. the main topic was deivated from I’m still bad at that….well hopefully in two years or more hopefully in four years time will see me alive….and not in jail for murder, or not dead…one can only hope
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