New blog

moved to a new blog site since this site was basically created when i was living with unitedcats aka doug
the current site is http://www.xanga.com/LexiaANDGir

been there since octooer of 2008

Incense, candles and more, helping out my friends by doing what I can here

Candles and Incense and more

FOR ANY ORDERS CONTACT michelle@greendragoncandles.com OR CALL the number on the website! ok basically putting the word out since my friends are trying to scrape what funds they can to make their big sale this coming weekend at the garage sale and at a-kon. www.greendragoncandles.com its candles, incense, incense holders, bath salts, crystal potpouri, and MORE  Such as Aroma parties and Gift baskets! (All questions are answered on the webpage as well.) The website is slowly being updated and right now they are operating from home until the big move. AFTER May greendragoncandles will be back at traders village! Their phone number and e-mail on the website SHOULD be accurate HOWEVER you can also send me orders and I will pass them on asap! Thats all i’m doing not going to be handling any funds. Shipping and handling fees are being worked on as they expand.

Becoming Anti-Social

FIRST this has to do with this weekend, NOT specifically at home or any one my friends might known! This is about several bathrooms and how men and some women are just nasty… Becoming Anti-Social to the point I sure as hell don’t want to meet new people NOR do I want this thrust upon me where you damn well know there’s going to be a fight to defend myself (especially from unhygenic morons) LET ME EXPLAIN WHY I take showers the way I do. Because before I can EVEN get ready for a shower most of the time I have to rinse the tub out. No problem, but EVERY TIME? ( this is where ocd steps in) gets tiring and annoying. I check to make sure I have: a CLEAN washrag, not used unless I KNOW I last used it, shampoo and conditioner and mah razor…and often bodywash with proper washing sponge. When someone else uses my razor, or washing item, and DOESN’T CLEANIT OFF OR ASK TO USE IT I GET PISSED. Now its dirty, because I have NO IDEA to what extent the person was dirty who used it! And i have to toss it now. thanks, cause you’re replacing it. I have a bathmatt so i don’t slip. apparently it gets tossed out at home so i fucking tossed it in my bedroom since NO ONE is going to use it. (For the love of god, fix the downstairs bathroom because four people to ONE bathroom is NOT going to work for long and YOU KNOW i already have my issues) Then theres the part where i don’t shower regularly. AGAIN, I’ve been that way since a kid, partly because my stupid stepmother was so big on appearance that Me or my sisters got dirty having to clean up after ourselves anyways. As in scrub the tub and toilet every day for this woman’s insanity. so i didn’t bother half the time. Second, AGAIN the skin issue. I wasn’t always of dry sensitive skin, but now i am -doesn’t help i take steaming hot showers either – and now i have to used color treated shampoo….heh…..yeah right. might as well have died my hair back to brown instead of streaks…. am I so wrong in wanting people to be a little more hygenic? Oh yeah don’t even get me STARTED on the toothbrushes! Now the anti-social issues, i don’t like meeting new people because they’d rather judge me down to nothing or instead of saying sorry i don’t want to be friends but lead me around and make me wonder what the fuck they play games instead, Because i know who my friends are and because i trust them when they introduce someone to me i don’t have to worry about how will this person treat me or turn around and be an ass or betch. Or cheat on me or ruin what relationshop (friend family or otherwise) to get the person from me they want. Or worst of all, TRY to turn my mother against me. That gets an immediate boot to the spincter and said person WILL NOT be walking anytime soon. So yeah when making friends I so DO NOT want to have to check said person over or how they treat people in general to see if they’re two faced or fair weather friends or if they’ve been taken in and are going to fuck up what a good place we have here for their OWN REASONS. I so don’t want to have to watch a person like a hawk for fear that person is going to hurt my friends…..nor do i want to have to wait for problems to arise, seperate your stuff, dun use mine or ask first, (certain things excluded don’t use it its unhygenic!) because i sure as hell don’t know where you came from, the state of cleanliness or worse you could have lice. This DID happen and believe me people the state of sanitizing required is such a pain in the ass. just pick your house up and drench it in rubbing alcohol. THE POINT being i don’t want to make friends because i’ve been hurt so many times by calous a-holes i don’t care to try anymore. Or because people can’t just tell me the truth. This is also why I haven’t posted a blog in ages because of all the damn clean ups Ive been doing, which I’m not doing anymore except for me. You don’t like the state of the bathroom clean it to your standards or have it scrubbed so white because i got tired of the lazy people. ALSO because I’m being a nanny.

I’m back and with more videos

(My gaia avatar art pic as done by Aliehs Slade!!!) 

Happy halloween, thanksgiving, and mery christmas whichever….i know i’ve been gone a LONG time and you know why. (I also has the Fluff-a-luffs, aka Fluffy) and Lil’ Bit aka Ronin….hehe

ok on to the music, Broken as sung by Lindsey Haun for the Movie Broken Bridges (Warning songs may be loud so turn down the volume for all videos)

<object width=”425″ height=”355″><param name=”movie” value=”http://www.youtube.com/v/jlwMQBzfmc4&rel=1″></param><param name=”wmode” value=”transparent”></param><embed src=”http://www.youtube.com/v/jlwMQBzfmc4&rel=1” type=”application/x-shockwave-flash” wmode=”transparent” width=”425″ height=”355″></embed></object>

EUREKA SEVEN MUSIC, or rather my favorite Songs SPOILER WARNING!

Niji

 <object width=”425″ height=”355″><param name=”movie” value=”http://www.youtube.com/v/iO048ewMicU&rel=1″></param><param name=”wmode” value=”transparent”></param><embed src=”http://www.youtube.com/v/iO048ewMicU&rel=1” type=”application/x-shockwave-flash” wmode=”transparent” width=”425″ height=”355″></embed></object>

Sakura (NOT FROM Fucking Naruto, the SONG!)

<object width=”425″ height=”355″><param name=”movie” value=”http://www.youtube.com/v/l9HcI6_ULoM&rel=1″></param><param name=”wmode” value=”transparent”></param><embed src=”http://www.youtube.com/v/l9HcI6_ULoM&rel=1” type=”application/x-shockwave-flash” wmode=”transparent” width=”425″ height=”355″></embed></object>

“My Job” read on to be educated (WARNING! BIG PICTURE!)

 

My “Job”, which is that of a Live In Nanny, or rather catering to the Ronin Michael’s whimsand giving him all the loves he could ever want. (thats’s his name, Ronin Michael last name omitted. as well as changing him and feeding him -WITH A BOTTLE! I can’t do that! think about it, this is a non-forumla house and did not give birth to him so there- and become the occasional funny thing or blasting board for this baby. which is ok most of the time. (I’m either funny to him, someone to puke on besides mom, or someone to pee on whic happens if I’m not quick enough to recognize when he has to go….you learn and go from there ok? He’s barely two months old cut him some slack.)

ALSO praise to all the mothers out there, new mom’s veteran moms (with kids grown and out of the nest, or with teens in school or off to college) and soon to be moms. Your road was/is/will be a difficult one but NOT without rewarding moments. i understand now why you are protective/frustrated/exhuasted. you have my love/sympathy and so on. but don’t let me discourage you.

enough gushing from me.

consider this my update and explanation as to why I haven’t posted a blog. (parents shall remain nameless until said parents wish for any recognition or I gain permission to name parents of Ronin. I got permission to use recent pics man that was difficult enough. but worth it!) Ronin’s mom JUST went back to work TODAY. So I’ve basically got my hands full almost all day which is double or triple what I WAS busy with, heh. Thank goodness (and god) that today is a happy baby day and not cranky/fussy baby day….and thank you god and creators of COFFEE! (yes I know I tried to kick the stuff but now that I actually need it -and not soda- i’m still going to be sorry when the caffine hits later. really at least its not diet coke…..which is HARD as hell to kick as an addiction. another subject on that later)

Sorry I haven’t updated in ages

Here’s the update. Came back from California, go live with tammy, dealt with the shithead and just left that behind. Moved on foccused on me. As in dealing with the whole reason I took off. Not being shallow, ok? The ONE TIME I’m actually dealing with my issues. Doctor’s appointment tuesday to basically get an eyepatch (fucken pirate for halloween joy, BAH) Going to get counceling on a sliding scale (cheaper but the help is still the same) and some meds as in Paxil or Zoloft that will help mellow me out and most importantly LEARN TO DEAL WHEN I get the urge to run away in general.

The most important change thats about to happen (happening Friday 29th) is becoming a Live In Nanny to some friends I have known for a while. I’m comfortable with holding a baby, yes a baby that spits and pees and poos and so on. I’m ok with holding him (the baby’s name is Ronin Michael, last name withheld for a reason, don’t ask on the name I don’t know why and its not my baby but I will care for him as though he is)

Those that know why I was so afraid of dealing with a baby know why. Don’t ask if you don’t know, not trying to be rude but its super personal and something I am still dealing with and coping with to this day, the one decision I regret….etc

 He’s SOOOOOO CUTE! Yes, even when crying or spitting up. I’m trying to see him through his mother’s eyes, as something precious and to care for. I’ve changed his diaper, been peed on and dealt with it, bottle fed him -even though he is four weeks he can take a bottle- held him while he slept, calmed him when he was crying for no reason and worst/best dealt with his mom feeding him while I was in the room and I didn’t stare! (PERVS! DON’T ASK! LMAO)

I think its even better that his dad is willing to spend time with him too. He seems to be dealing with the fact that he’s got a kid now and for a few weeks will be the only one working. I’m still trying to find a job as in part time evening job. But until then I’ll take what I can get.

So HI MOM, Doug, J & V and all my myspace friends that have been informed about this site. HUGS TO ALL OF YOUS!!!! (You)

The Carpenters, some music lyrics and videos

WARNING MANY VIDEOS EITHER WAIT FOR THIS TO LOAD OR DON’T! Just letting you know. Careful some of these have loud volume since some of the videos were too soft and I Have a hearing problem lately…HEY can’t say I didn’t warn you, so if you get in trouble for the voulme uhm sorry

music to how I feel and just because I LIKE the carpenters…so there! Videos with Lyrics, and lyrics to what videos I cannot find. The Carpenters songs are either about love, holiday songs religious (which is fine!) or sad songs. They fit the mood right now, cause I’m missing you badly J

“Superstar” Lyrics

Long ago and oh so far away
I fell in love with you before the second show
Your guitar, it sounds so sweet and clear
But youre not really here
Its just the radio

(*) dont you remember you told me you loved me baby
You said youd be coming back this way again baby
Baby, baby, baby, baby, oh, baby, I love you I really do

Loneliness is a such a sad affair
And I can hardly wait to be with you again
What to say to make you come again
Come back to me again
And play your sad guitar
Repeat (*) twice

“Rainy Days and Mondays” Lyrics

Talking to myself and feeling old
Sometimes I’d like to quit
Nothing ever seems to fit
Hangin’ around, nothing to do but frown
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down
What I’ve got they used to call the blues
Nothing is really wrong
Feeling like I don’t belong
Walking around some kind of lonely clown
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down
Funny but it seems I always wind up here with you
It’s nice to know somebody loves me
Funny but it seems that it’s the only thing to do
To run and find the one who loves me
(*) What I feel is come and gone before
No need to talk it out
We know what it’s all about
Hanging around, nothing to do but frown
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down
Funny but it seems that it’s the only thing to do
Run and find the one who loves me
Repeat (*)
Hangin around, nothing do to but frown
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down

 

DISCO!

 

“(Want You) Back In My Life Again”

You know it doesn’t seem that long ago
That i had your love and let it go
And i really let you down i know
I’m losin’ your love

I guess it took a while for me to see

What it is you really mean to me
I’ve been as big a fool as i can be
For losing your love

(*) i want you back in my life again
I don’t want to be your remember when
I want you back in my life again
Let’s go back to the place where it all began
I’ve lived long enough with your memory
Now i know that i need you here with me

There was a time i thought i had it made
But i didn’t see the price i had paid
And the price gets higher ev’ry day
And all i can say is

(**) you’re the only one who knows my heart
So let’s take it right back to the start

And i won’t have to play the part
Of losing your love

Repeat (*)
Repeat (**)

I want you back in my life again
I don’t want to be your remember when
I want you back in my life again
Let’s go back to the place where it all began
I’ve lived long enough with your memory
Now i know that i need you, know that i need you
Back in my life

 

“I Won’t Last A Day Without You”

Day after day, I must face a world of strangers
Where I dont belong, Im not that strong
Its nice to know that theres someone I can turn to
Who will always care, youre always there

(*) when theres no gettin over that rainbow
When my smallest of dreams wont come true
I can take all the madness the world has to give
But I wont last a day without you

So many times when the city seems to be
Without a friendly face, a lonely place
Its nice to know that youll be there if I need you
And youll always smile, its all worthwhile

Repeat (*)

Touch me and I end up singing
Trouble seems to up and disappear
You touch me with the love youre bringing
I cant really lose when youre near
When youre near, my love

If all my friends have forgotten half their promises theyre not unkind, just
Hard to find
One look at you and I know
That I must learn to live without the rest
Ive found the best

Repeat (*) twice

 

and for some TOTALLY UNRELATED HUMOR TO Pick up the sad mood cause it helps and works for me VGCATS (vgcats.com) “The Real Reason Orochimaru was kicked out of the Akatsuki’s hee hee hee!

Sooth Criminal (I’d show you the picture but that gets into laws and such so just go see the strip via the link)

Confusion (Eternally Angry)

OBVIOUS LANGUAGE WARNING!

its still unfair. I wish we could go back to the way things were, then you had to say its not working….to just break my heart like it was nothing.

I hope you’re feeling as shitty as I do today. I can’t see out of my left eye, my left temple on my forehead won’t stop throbbing.

and no, I’m still in an emotional rut

and yes, this is how I want you to suffer, not by physical pain but the emotional trauma wracking your brain, overtaking everything so that it all comes out in a wash of tears just as it does for me, again and again…its still not fair dammit!

I just want to get the fuck out of california and never speak to you again. It was stupid to come there and I honestly do hate the state of california. I may hate texas but I will still stand in that state. California is more fucked up than texas, the drivers are WORSE

I wish I’d never spoken to you. that I just ignored your stupid letter…but I’m too fucking nice….I hate you Doug…I hate you and I will never tell you this to your face because I’m always too damn nice. So be it. But I’ll be fucking damned if I EVER finish last. and I hope that the next woman hurts you just as you hurt me. Make up your fucking mind!

Found to be somewhat unfair or just plain emotional injustice

(This blog pertains to two or three different people, of if I really wanted to, all the people boyfriends and girlfriends in my life. oh yes I am bi but I don’t throw it out there since not many people I have encountered can deal with it. it this whole thing angers you then stop reading please. Not trying to be snarky just sensible..but after this particular warning I can at least promise no cursing) Also there are lyrics at the end of this long monotonous post

I find it unfair…

Why is it that just because you cannot figure out what you want or that you are “not ready” or cannot deal/handle or are going through some difficult time in your life do you see fit to drag me through your emotional time? Or leave me to hang when I at least want to be there for you, to let you know that I understand what you are going through and you can trust me to help.

I find it unfair that i have to stay here (which I willingly remain) and take each day with you out of reach from me emotionally and physically if not in other metaphysical forms. I willingly stay, but I cannot deal with the distance.

It is unfair to have a relationship where everything is fine, we are comfortable and boundaries have been set, etc then you take it away from me. You have your comfort or ways of being comforted, but what about me? I found that comfort and solace just by holding hands or being able to be near you and hug you. Now you have taken that away? Even if I can hug you its not the same anymore…it feels empty pr that something is being held back. Yet I still say nothing

It is unfair, because now I am beating myself up inside, blaming myself that if I had just chilled out, not pushed, not said something stupid or done something or not done something this would have worked. Its all my fault I can’t survive any relationship without screwing it up etc. Whether you knew this or not now you do know, I beat myself up when something fails. Oh yes I have sai “Have your fit, your cryings and episodes when something bad happens then get up and move on…” And yet of course I have the longest emotional fit before I can get up and move on…such the hypocrite am I.

The worst thing I find is that I am super jealous now, fearing that there is someone else that I don’t/didn’t know about who is waiting behind the curtains so to speak, waiting for me to leave so s/he can have you all to her/himself…

it is the silence that kills me inside, and it is that once I am gone I have no idea what you will do but that I know I will break inside and have no one there to cling to, no one to hold me and ease the pain…and though I will never admit this to your face I will miss you terribly and think of you from time to time as the days pass on, but I will never be able to treat you the same way as before. (The way I treated you when we were in the great relationship, that cannot be) Because you have set the boundaries now and I do my best not to cross them, not to touch your heart and remind you of what was or that there is still time and that I will still be here…no I will not say that to you because in your mind and heart you have already chosen what must be.

and in your world I will not exist that way anymore. I ask only this

DO NOT come to me and speak of how great your life is KNOWING what it will do to me. DO NOT feign ignorance of how speaking of how great you are doing and your new love has hurt me. I will not bring up such things and drag you down or vent upon you, so please do not do the same to me. I do my best to be a friend to all my friends, so I ask you do the same and do not remind me of what once was unless you intend to pick up where we left off etc. I wouldn’t DARE put you through such hell (even though I so want to an I o my best not to be bitter and petty) I will not do that to you. don’t break my heart lest I break yours worse than anyone has.

TWO SONGS Lyrics By Avril Lavigne (if you have head her songs sing along, if not please go listen to them. I CHOSE MY SINGERS based upon their lyrics, NOT their personal lives or how they have changed images etc. I LIKE THE LYRICS because it fits with what is going on. ok. done now)

“My Happy Ending” (unedited version, language)

So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh…

Let’s talk this over
It’s not like we’re dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?
Don’t leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

[Chorus:]
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh…

You’ve got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I’m difficult
But so are they
But they don’t know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do [CD version]
All the stuff that you do [radio edited version]

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

[Chorus]

It’s nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It’s nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

[Chorus x2]

[x2]
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh…
So much for my happy ending

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh…

“When You’re Gone”

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I’d need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I’m alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

[Chorus]
When you’re gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you’re gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you’re gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you

I’ve never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

[Chorus]

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were, yeah
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I’d do, I’d give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah

[Chorus]

Used To Be

I used to think I was worth it.
Used to be worth something to someone and most importantly myself.
I USED TO BE SANE

Time and heartbreak tend to drag a person down to the depths of insanity

people say time heals all wounds. Maybe physical wounds. For me and many others time only causes further infection of the heart and mind, leaving questions unanswered and hate to fester within.

I want to hate and loathe you so much, but nothing comes. Nothing can come from an empty shell. I USED to think I was fun to be around, now I’m no fun, a fucking party pooper. No one wants me, I am the destroyer of relationships.

Things used to be that “No one can make you feel bad (about yourself or in general) Without your permission” hah permission or no it still happens intentional or not. I am no longer as sensitive as I used to be, but god fucking dammit people I have a heart too, I deserve mercy too! Your words be they that you cannot figure yourself or heaven forbid it be my fucking fault you do not mean a fucking thing to me anymore.

I was foolish to even talk to you. Those words you said were only forced, I forced them from you, I needed to hear those three words from someone else to find my proof that I was worth something to someone

but oh wretched mind, curse you my heart! I had a place to stay I had love, someone who really did love me faults, imperfections and all. Of course I could not see what was right in front of my face, just under my nose, of COURSE I HAD TO LEAVE….he did tell me that things were not working and I DID have the time and general were-withall to solve that problem…of COURSE I HAD TO FUCKING LEAVE THE BEST THING EVER!

now, should I return to texas, it will be by choice to go straight to a mental institution.
should I stay in worthless california it will be to my own destruction and demise, my own undoing.

OR

would family have me, I would choose to live in Mississippi -would meemaw even allow it- I would do my best to help out and contribute to the house and pay my bills and find work….I would like to live in diamondhead

or I can do everyone a favor and kill myself. I’m too co-dependant, I only hurt people, push them away and I’ve been nothing but a drain upon everyone and everything I touch…I just want to go home, please just kill me….you have no fucking idea the daily shit I go through, or put myself through. I’m NOT being fucking over-dramatic, I’m tired of waking up to pain, to the fucking chemicals I drown in, I have tried, REALLY tried to just snap out of it, to over come with with “WILLPOWER” to take each day one at a time. I REALLY HAVE. I can’t take this anymore, I cannot face this life, knowing that to come home to an empty house, to come home to no one to say how was your day, or I missed you or just plain hi dear

no one to cook for or sing to or talk to. NO HOME TO GO HOME TO. I can’t go back I just can’t. I left my friends behind I left EVERYTHING behind!!! why would they want me back now, after all the shit I did….I am nothing….worthless….useless
I can’t even help people….oh you can tell me I helped you. it was only for gain, for the pride of knowing I did a job well done or that I “helped” or did something good for the right thing. it was all selfish reasons

i wish I could say your words were worthless doug, but you don’t lie…I wish I could say you were nothing to me jack, but your name, the mere thought of you plucks my heartstrings…I can’t go back to you, not after what I did….

FUCK CO-DEPENDENCY I KNOW WHAT I WANT, I KNOW WHat I have to do to get it, I Just am not patient! I no longer have the will or desire to keep living….no one will have me….I have come to the end

so for the blunt stupid fucks

this is a suicide note DUH. or rather a useless attempt at one. oooh but we all know lauren is a coward and won’t really kill herself…no. my punishment is to keep living and take each god damned day as my hell FUCK YOU GOD, FUCK YOU

yeah…I USED to be worth something to someone, now I AM worthless